trash & luxury

                                                                                            ask, message
personal blog and a collection of likes and loves
proper credit for photos via click-through

nineteen | southern california

May 18, 2006 

It’s so stupid how we can all think we have something just because we want to believe we have it. In reality, what we do have is the total opposite to whatever we want. And it’s sick and twisted that the person who knows you best can’t protect you from what is right in front of your face. You lose yourself and forget who you are when that small part of you finally realize everything that is wrong, everything you don’t have, everything you want to have… that you’re losing.  You’re stuck on the idea of having an illusion of something that you long for, that you’ve never had. And each time that you think you have it, you never let it go… you let yourself build this fake world, this dream, this perfect world. But in all honesty, it’s far from utopia—it’s not even close to it. Then what do you do when you finally realize that you don’t have it… and you don’t even have that illusion? Everything was just a lie, and the worst part about the lie is that it wasn’t them that lied to you; you lied to yourself. Over and over again, you let lies build up creating a brick wall in the direction that’s called sanity. Then you lose your mind… you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can’t do anything. Because now you’re even more scared than when you were actually trapped in hell. You’ve entered a new one and you’re entirely conscious to it. That’s what makes it worse than cheating yourself into thinking that you had something because when you did think you had something, you felt safe. You didn’t even know it was all a lie. Now you’re stuck; you can’t go back seeing how you know it was all a perfect world created by imagination. You’re alone, completely and utterly alone. No matter how many people are going to tell you that you aren’t, and things are going to be okay… a little part of you continues to decay until there’s nothing left of you and you can never persuade yourself to trust or be close to anyone ever again. The only thing that stays the same, is that you’re still as cold hearted to yourself as you were when this all started.

**I can’t believe I was 15 when I wrote this, let alone kept it in my documents for so long.